Time for a bitter pill...

Normally I am a pretty chipper, jovial person. I try to look on the brighter side of things, even when the chips (or hemoglobin numbers) are down. Basically I am that typical fat Irish person that likes to eat soda bread, drink beer, and laugh my ass off (that's a joke; it's still there, trust me).

Maybe it's the steroids I am on or the boredom of watching horrible network news (will someone please shut up that facist Lou Dobbs!) but frankly I've had enough. I am really pissed and tired of being nice...

Tired of being nice to the doctors office receptionist who had to carry on a personal conversation while there were 3 of us waiting in line, 2 poor old women who are way sicker than me.

Tired of being nice to the old fat guy who kept staring at me because I was walking around dizzy in the doctors office looking for something to read while I wait. Yes, I am dizzy you moron but I am also sick. Have you never seen a sick person before you bozo?

Tired of being nice to people who ask me if my relapse could have been avoided. What kind of a stupid f***ing question is that? So lets get this straight...chances are you probably have no idea what hemolytic anemia is. And that's all well and good. I didn't know what it was until after I was diagnosed with it. If you ask, I will tell. Now, after I've told you, don't ask me why I got sick. How the hell should I know? Don't you think if I could prevent it I would? Wait, let me pull that magic wand out of my ass! It's here somewhere....sheesh!

Tired of being nice to friends who said last time I was sick "if it happens again, let me know! I will be there for you." Actually what should have been said was "well you didn't go in this hospital so it wasn't as serious." Dumb (space included for emphasis) Ass! I didn't go in the hospital because it's much less expensive for me (and for the insurance company to pay for) to get 3 units of blood at in infusion center than it is in the hospital. And I get to sleep at home without being awoken every two hours for blood pressure and blood checks! I am always amazed at how people can take time off to walk in a freaking relay around a track but to help someone you actually know in need, well that's just hitting a little too close to home. Hell knows I am not perfect but trust me, if you ever have a friend that is sick, don't just give them mouth work...just show up and help. When you are sick, it takes a hell of a lot to effort to fix a meal or even to get out of bed. And one person can't do it all. How Ivan has done it for over 10 years, I have no idea. Phone calls to check up on that person and visits mean a lot (so basically what I am saying is the first spastic idiot that says to me that they will miss me when I leave for New York will get a mouthfull).

Funny thing is, on this subject, I am far more resentful about the people Ivan know than the people I know down here. I just don't understand how someone who has been his friend for over 20 years can call him on a Saturday night knowing that for over 10 years on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday evenings he has been in dialysis. He can't answer the phone!!!

Now where was I? Oh yeah...

Tired of being nice to the morons outside of the FoodCity smoking cigs. I don't want to breathe it, ok? I can't. It's bad for you. It's bad for me. Be considerate and do it in the privacy in your own home (if you must be that stupid to commit slow suicide) but please, avoid doing it in a public place!

Tired of being nice to the moron who thinks I "look great" because I lost weight. Granted, I am a fattie. I always will be, but I never believed I looked bad. I always liked my curves (and if you don't screw you). But losing 30 pounds very quickly and without reason AND on steroids is freaking me out to the nth degree. So shut up.

Tired of medical bills, insurance coverage issues, short term disability...blah blah blah. If anything, that whole mess, combined with just a few of my buddies keeping in touch, has taught me two lessons: I am my biggest advocate and how much I can't wait to marry Ivan. No one else can fight for me. That's how life works. However, when you are married, not only do have that someone who is always on your side, you also have help (no cynical emails from unhappily marrieds or bitter divorced people please just be happy for me). If it wasn't for Ivan, and his experience in medical trauma, drama, and nightmares, I would have had a breakdown months ago.

I am tired.

But I am pissed.

And maybe the pissed off part is a good thing. It's a motivator for forcing me to change. I don't want to be a bitter, twisted, uglier version of me. I will get over the slights and recover financially, one way or another, from this medical mess. But I also know I need to be where people care; where I have family. My brother and best friend have been wonderful. Bucky drives me like I am Miss Daisy and Amy listens oh so patiently to my woes and steroid induced rants. But I need to be El Norte...Nueva York...with the man I love and build a future with him. I've let this damn thing get in the way but not anymore.

And there's another thing I am tired of (but I've never been nice about)...the networks coverage on the war in Iraq. First, they pandered to the administration (didn't we all?). Then they tried to go the opposite route when criticism of their coverage grew...by their own press! But now, as war still rages on hopelessly, and as our bravest and best sacrifice their futures in the same our bravest and best did in Vietnam, the mainstream media focuses almost every night on Obama versus Hillary and the he said/she said/Bill said/Mrs. Obama said.

I would love to see our mainstream media actually focus on the issues (Iraq, the economy, healthcare). You see, this time it's not just about the candidates avoiding the issues; the press is doing a darn good job of it as well.

So, be a little like me...don't be so nice to the mainstream media. Read and join the blogasphere. Take time to find out other opinions. It's the only way you will learn and can make an informed opinion.